"The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple."
We all have something to say, especially now. We all have feelings about everything that is happening. We all request that the people in our lives be truthful and honest, especially our partners because most of us have had the rather painful experience of being hurt by lies and some form of deception. Most of what we communicate we are doing is because we believe people “need” to know how we feel, we are “just trying to be honest,” and we often end up creating a great deal of damage to our relationships in our lives based on how we present our “truth.”
Yes, it is important to be truthful and honest. To be deceitful or devious is wrong, and in a Love relationship, it is unacceptable. The only way Love in any relationship can exist by definition is if there is trust, and trust cannot exist if there is any deception present in the relationship.
There are two different ways to be truthful. The first way I call Enhancement Truth®. In speaking Enhancement Truth® we do what is best for the relationship. Both parties’ feelings are taken into consideration, our communication is compassionate, Loving, and leads only to proactive dialogue that supports the growth of the relationship and the rectification of the conflicts.
The second form of truth is destructive truth. Unfortunately, this is the truth that most of us speak, and it is the way in which we know how to be truthful. We just speak our truth because we need to “get it off our chest,” or have the person we are speaking with understand “our truth.” We have a tendency in this kind of truthfulness to focus on what is true for us, our beliefs, what is not working for us, what is wrong, and how in one way or another we are being wronged or failed. We are often frustrated and angry. Destructive Truthfulness® never leads to anything positive for any relationship; it creates more problems, hurt feelings, and sets up a lack of safety in the relationships.
Enhancement Truth® serves these purposes and these purposes only: to enhance the relationship, to make it better, more proactive, purposeful more pleasurable, and more enjoyable, and to deepen the Love, trust, and if needed resolution. To participate in Enhancement Truth® the following nine criteria must be able to be met.
I am clear about how I feel, what I want to express, and why.
It is best for the relationship.
I am living in the moment.
I can express myself in a calm, grounded way, using a soft, gentle voice. I can express myself with Love and compassion, taking my audience and their feelings and point of view into consideration.
I can express positives about the relationship and offer possibilities of positive results.
I am clear how I would like my communication to better the relationship/situation.
I am ready to share my proactive ideas on how to have my statements work as a bridge to solutions.
I am ready, willing, and open to listen to my partner’s input.
I will not repeat myself. I will understand that I was heard and responded to and deal with it from there.
I Am Clear About How I Feel, What I Want to Express, and Why.
Often what drives us to feel the need to speak “our truth” is we feel angry and/or wronged. We want our conversation partner to understand our point of view and to “get it.” In those moments we are not communicating out of Love, but anger. In those moments some part of us is looking to punish the conversation partner for what they did or did not do, did, or did not believe or go into agreement with. Maybe we are looking to relieve our guilt or dissipate our feelings. So, I ask you to ask yourself the very important questions: “What do I really need to say?” “Why do I feel like I need to say this?” “It Is Best for the Relationship?” “What positive will come of it?”
Doing what is best for the relationship means that the communication supports the relationship. It means that both partners are taken into consideration in thought and deed, in feeling and belief system. There must be a point to the communication that supports the further building of trust and Love.
I Can Express Myself in a Calm, Grounded Way, Using a Soft, Gentle Voice. I Can Express Myself With Love and Compassion, Taking my Listening Partner and Their Feelings and Point of View Into Consideration
The energy with which we express ourselves has a direct effect on how we are heard and cooperated with. If our partner feels under attack they will more than likely do one of three things: attack, defend themselves or tune out altogether. None of these options will help you better your relationship. Speaking in terms that allow your partner to feel understood and taken into consideration will allow them to feel Loved and will have them want to cooperate.
I Can Express Positives or Pro-Active About the Relationship
It is too easy to fall into criticism. The more you can acknowledge the good stuff, the better you will feel and the better you will be able to communicate from a place of Love. The more your partner can hear you speak of the good stuff, the more appreciated and Loved they will feel.
I Am Clear on How I Would Like My Communication to Better the Relationship/Situation
The clearer you are, the clearer you will be understood. You will be a lot less likely to wander or get caught up in irritated feelings. You will also keep your focus on the positive goal for the communication as well as the relationship.
I Am Ready to Share My Proactive Ideas on How to Have My Statements Work as a Bridge to Solutions
In bringing issues up you must be clear about what you do want. In coming up with ideas you are not only setting an example of how things can work out, you are also giving a starting point for all the amazingly creative and Loving solutions the two of you will create.
I Am Ready, Willing, and Open to Listen to My Partner’s Input
Expect feelings. They have every right to feel whatever they feel about what was said. Just listen and Love. They will have some great ideas that you will not have thought of. Expect pleasant surprises. Listen and honor your partner’s truth and experience.
I Will Not Repeat Myself. I Will Understand That I Was Heard and Responded to and Deal With It From There
Repeating yourself is like beating someone over the head with your point of view. People need a chance to process what has been said and to put into effect whatever had been agreed upon. Just trust. Trust your partner, trust yourself, trust the relationship.
Enhance your truth, enhance your communication, enhance your relationship, enhance your life and Deeper Love and trust will be yours!